When I'm alone ....

When I'm alone ....
I owe the world nothing
I breathe my own space
At my own fucking pace

When I'm alone ....
I think of what life is
Caring for no one
Enjoying what I'll call fun

When I'm alone ....
I dream of what I can accomplish
What brought destructions
Amongst all random distractions

Turning 41 ...

Interestingly changes are inevitable they say. Hair greying and bones aching. Had recently hurt the shoulder without knowing the cause of it. Perhaps signs of old age as I begin the climb in age.

This year things are a little different. Not much of a family affair in terms of meals etc. Who can I blame?

Mischief. Insanity.

I can't recall when was the last time I worked so hard on what I used to call a sacred day - birthday.

Meetings, project hand-overs and a path of uncertainties or even road blocks to progress. Or maybe not.

Opportunities lie ahead if I tread carefully. Avoiding land mines and self inflicted wounds, I may rise if I could flow with the wind catching it at an opportune time like a kite lifted up soaring in the clouds.

Let's look back when I turn 42 and if things turn out just right.

All the best to me and adios to ten years ago.

If I Could Be Where I Want To Be ...

I'll wish to be amidst serenity

A Non chatter world

Without endless spoken words


A world where only nature speaks

Songs of birds and whistling trees

Gentle breeze and rustling leaves


A world where gentleness simmers the heart

Driving out darkness from deep within

Grasping only of love without fear


A world where the touch of the skin

Creates love without guilt

Absence of tears and broken hopes


Perhaps such existence lies faraway

In the world where perhaps angels sing

But will I ever find this place of solitude even when my body rests in peace

Lines and wrinkles ...

A friend explained to me about carbon laser peel and how she's tempted to sign up a package to get herself wrinkle free.

She seemed serious about it and I laughed off hearing the price tag it'll come with just by having the face plastered in carbon before peeling it off like art work. Indeed art costs more these days.

The conversation started when she mentioned she should try to stop laughing cause it lands lines on her face. I remember her saying she should even stop smiling so as to hide those lines.

What has this world come to?

I summarise below -

A life of laughter brings wrinkles to a face
Similarly a life of worries ........

posted from Bloggeroid

Baggage

Every once in awhile we hear rantings from friends and relatives. It's all about life's misfortunes and how the cast of life has been assigned with a spin of injustice.

Tonight I heard a story of how siblings squabble over a father's illness and how life gets rough and tough.

It has always been a fear of mine that such will hit my home in a matter of years.

I'm close to my brothers but unsure if I'm really close to my family to be able to ride through strong and rough waves over stumbling obstacles and challenges.

Every family has their own baggage and many left unsaid and unclaimed that we never know what really lies inside them.

The next time we think others lead a happy life ... Perhaps not.

posted from Bloggeroid

Wretched ....

I've lost it all

Whether big or small

All these times I've thought

That I'll win them all

It's time I take the fall

Never has it been my call

Every night I'll stay awake

Knowing it's my life at stake

There were tears and fears

A state of mind unclear

The pain slowly crept

The grieving body wept

Now I'm making my climb

These steps taking me closer to the end of my time

As life's moments flash me by

A prayer I'll say to bid the world goodbye

Standing over the ledge

To the world below I pledge

If I'll ever survive this plunge

God's gracing me with a life's refund 

Popo

Every smile a struggle 

Loosen muscles, wrinkles, sunken face

Every move a pain 

Hardened joints, swells, awkward limps  

Time slithers every cell withers

Her life's been one hell of a resister

Falling in her fifties

Cracking the cap out of the left knee 

She'd married two men separately

Both dead by the time she turned  seventy

Now trying to breath her life to a century 

No one's sure if it'll all end up a merry

 

Depression

The mind in chaos an internal conversation

Bringing unrest and thoughts of confliction

Razor sharp knives stabbing in aggression

The pain's inability to release the wounds affliction 

Escaping from reality, circles and rounds

Gagged and confused I am bound

Voiceless to scream i build a wall

Struggle amounts i begin my fall

Wrecked, broken the soul's combatant

Breaking out of hell ensuring existence

Conjuring strength out of hatch

Fighting vigor match for match

Rising above the sadness

I'll live yet another day of madness

Random Thoughts ...

Sleep tight my dear as all things you fear will not stay long here
as long as I am around there is nothing for you to frown
cause you'll know that nothing will ever take you down

Just remember those younger days your once little steps and often soundless claps
from the many falls, several knocks to the head with some on the legs
cuts on the elbows, blood on the face

As you take shape molded with stronger arms, bigger feet
Swifter movements, broader shoulders and better understanding of what makes the world
Forgetting memories of childhood failures and setbacks

Sleep tight my dear as all things you fear will not stay long here
as long as I am around there is nothing for you to frown
cause you'll know that nothing will ever take you down

A Nation's Golden Jubilee

It was a long weekend every Singaporean looked forward to as the nation celebrates her 50th National Day. As usual, important milestones are celebrated with my best friend and the 'family'.

The first parade without the founding father Lee Kuan Yew as his passing away earlier in the year resulted in him not being able to witness the celebrations the nation was preparing for since a year ago.

It was an emotional night for me as the family squeezed in with the crowd at the Promontory Bay in hopes to catch the fireworks and aerial display.

Father and son sang the national anthem and national songs loudly - something I enjoyed really much especially into the chorus of Kit Chan's Home which caused my eyes to well up with tears.

We managed to witness the sparkles which ignited the skies and with Luca on my shoulders covering his ears in fear of the booms each time a flare hits the sky.

As I explained to Luca that the likelihood of me attending the Centenary / Platinum Jubilee will be very low thus I enjoyed the moment we both looked up into the sky and watching the firework displays hoping it'll be locked into our memories for the longest time.

He understood and said I'll be his child's grandfather by then. Hopefully I'll get to see that day come.

Now that the long weekend is over, I have to drag my feet to work tomorrow and counting down to the next public holiday.

Happy birthday Singapore .... And thank you LKY for what he has helped us built in his life time.

We must carry on his fight and see Singapore progress even further ....

RAIN

In memory of Rain.

Rain was four months old when we got her from Pet Symphony.

She had the nicest eyes and Sandy Shek and I were immediately mesmerized by her. Those eyes were really pretty. She became close friends with Beatrice Shek as Beatrice doted on her lots.

She played with anyone who visited Marine Terrace.

Playful she was and many times found herself in trouble for biting shoes and stealing food.

We remembered she gobbled up a packet of Bah Kwa as well as mooncakes on a separate occasion and hid herself under the table knowing she did something really wrong.

As usual, she ended up being caned. But she hardly learns her lesson and it'll happen time and again.  

She loved catching balls, bones and sitting next to us whenever we watched television. She also loved sitting with the sisters as they played mahjong.

She didn't like cigarette smoke. She didn't like children. She would often snarl when kids approached her and I was often worried she would hurt children trying to be friendly toward her.

She was the one who greeted us when we returned home.

To be honest, I've neglected her since Luca came into our life and in recent years it pained me to see her in poor health.

Thankfully MC Shek had all the patience to care for her. Rain ate not only dog food but cereal and fruit.

She went blind last year, wasn't mobile and died at the ripe old age of 16 years old today.

A big regret Sandy and I had was not visiting her over the weekend despite tell tales of her not being able to make it much longer.

We apologize, Rain.

We love you Rain and I've heard all dogs go to heaven I'm sure

Twenty three years ago ...

Just yesterday a friend sent me this photo and I couldn't remember many of my classmates' names.

Age caught up and not catching up with old friends or keeping in touch is also one reason I couldn't remember some names.
In 3 years, Luca too will be in Primary 1 and I'm not sure if he'll don the same uniform as I did. Well, hopefully so and solely dependant on the education regulators to make any changes to the rules.

posted from Bloggeroid

Music Lessons ...

So Sunday mornings are now set aside for music class with Luca and after attending the second lesson with him, I realized he can be quite a fast learner if he wants to focus.

It is funny how he is the only boy in the class and given such bad mix of gender ratio I decided to teach him how a gentleman should be like.

As usual kids always fight to be first and Luca is no exception. He frowns whenever he doesn't get first priority. It's a good opportunity to teach him the need for  'ladies first'.

Let's see how he'll perform next week and if he will remember the rules of engagement with female counterparts.

Ipoh 2014

I can't remember how it all came about to plan a visit to Ipoh with the entire family. Perhaps someone casually remarked about its prized hor fun.

My dad's roots were from Ipoh where we still have some relatives and like how life really is some have left us. Obviously there too were new joiners.

I guess the visit was primarily catching up with the folks there and also to revisit the places my grandparents used to take us - food.

There were numerous occasions when I felt the presence of grandma who passed away last year and it kinda brought tears to my eyes. Maybe I miss that old lady especially when I stepped into the house she used to stay in whenever she visited.

Grandfather was missed too as we went to perhaps one of his favorite coffeeshop in Ipoh for hor fun and satay. 

Nevertheless we had lots of fun and Luca's first visit to Malaysia was kind of fun although he did say he missed home.

Throughout the trip he hardly threw any tantrums except when he wanted sweets and cold drinks.

I guess we can always plan another trip with the clan next year but for now it is time to plan a trip just for the three of us.

6 years ago ...

6 years ago on this date and day, I made a vow to love the woman my son now calls his " lover ".

In a flash, my boy is 4 years old and I've been happily married for 6 years now.

I still remember the events that took place on this special day - the down pour, the buddies, the sisters, my dressing, the Thank- you speech, the tea ceremony, the drinking, the partying and the guests who made it to witness our promise to love one another.

Well how can I forget that special day.

Days after the wedding, we headed out for our honeymoon. The best trip we've made so far .... Unforgettable and lots of funny memories.

I wish we could do it again. The trip I meant. :)

Mistakes ...

For me it just seems very difficult to forgive myself whenever I do something which would result in me being hurt some way or another.

Not sure about you but I just get this irritable voice that keeps reminding me how stupid I was although I know this voice eventually subsides, fades away and dies only to resurrect when I make the same mistake again.

Learning from mistakes haven't really been a forte and perhaps I am a slow  learner who is stubborn. That on its own kills it all.

Let's put it this way, I have a learning disability. I need to be reminded of my mistakes occasionally because after so many attempts it still fails to register that a stove is hot when on top of fire and so is boiling soup.

I've scalded my tongue once again.

A lost worm...

For the past three years, Luca always had a companion to sleep with and he calls it Worm. Just like Linus who needed his blanket, Worm was Luca's close friend and a necessity when it comes to sleep time.

During bed time, he is often found patting Worm on its ends to sleep with his fingers. Luca would form a ball at one end of his Worm, squeezed and tapped it with rhythm as he too slowly dozed off into dream land.

On some other mornings when both his parents are still in bed and refusing to give in to his pleas of freedom to play on his own unsupervised in the living room, Worm kept him busy.The occasional role play with his friend - chit chatting.

At times he ends up in serious discussions about fighting an imaginary fire or preventing an intruder who is about to enter his room. Always would he rope in Worm to help him out.

He gave Worm numerous roles - firefighter, policeman but hardly the bad guy.

He developed a strong liking for his friendly Worm but not until yesterday.

I was told he threw Worm into the bin.

I was really shocked hearing that we lost Worm last night and that Luca chose to forsake him.

Scary stuff.

I felt kind of sad because I've always wanted to keep his bolster just like how we kept his first pair of shoes etc.

Too late. I couldn't help Worm.

It appeared to me that Luca was coerced into acting drastically. His Gong Gong (maternal grandpa) had earlier offered him some treats in exchange for Worm.

He couldn't resist the temptation of ice cream (he hasn't tasted ice cream for the longest time since his last bout of flu couple of months back).

What's worst is that I started wondering if he can be more cold blooded than that and would one day desert me for his wife.

Let's hope it's just the age of innocence and not a character developed for the future.

Perhaps I think too much...

2013.

I'm typing this from Mumbai. 

It's been a very long time since I've last made an entry here ... What used to be a habitual expression of thoughts and sharing has now taken a dive into a world of laziness.

Lazy in making short sentences long. Lazy in having to restructure words and juggling with wrong grammar usage.

Basically just plain lazy.

So it is the new year and many have asked how I've fared in 2013. Well,  I guess I did alright. Nothing much to complain about nor any big achievements made which need announcing. 

But yes,  thinking back I've indeed made a big decision in 2013 which made Sandy so happy. Not telling you so don't bother even asking. A secret we both share.

As for Luca,  he surely conquered a few firsts.  Beginning of 2013, we enrolled him in school and of course with a few weeks of tantrum and cries of pleas he did adjust to school life.

He is growing up really well. Health wise he had a bad bout of flu which occurred right after his birthday celebration at Sentosa. 

We can only assure ourselves that all kids fall ill time after time and nothing to be surprised over nor be alarmed.

In the middle of the year,  he had to change his milk from cow to goat. It's a blessing he was happy to drink goat's milk even when I presumably felt it was kind of difficult to put in my mouth and swallow it. That taste too overwhelming for me. 

I can't remember exactly when this happened but Sandy and I had one of the worst arguments ever in our lives. It was terrible. And it wasn't even money related nor me having an affair. It was just a trivial matter that got blown out of proportion because neither of us wanted to give in.

That scene will always remain in the back of my mind to serve as a reminder never to stay firm on certain principles especially towards my loved ones. Peace and harmony is all that matters. And of course - LOVE.

Now that I mentioned the four letter word, I can possibly confirm that LOVE is Luca's first word he learnt to spell. Hopefully he will learn to know the true meaning of that simple word. Being both a receiver and a giver of love.

In December, Luca performed on stage for the first time. Two songs on the violin - Twinkle Little Star and Lightly Row ( I think ).

I would say I had more butterflies in my stomach than he had and I almost lost sleep the night before worried that he will not cope on stage on performance day.

I'm glad he did well and enjoyed the applause from the audience. Different from the times he cried at rehearsal. Phew!

2013 was a good year. From Thomas the Train to Lego toys he is able to build on his own. He is learning. And growing well. Surely equipped with an inquisitive mind and perhaps a boy who wants to free himself from my shouts which I'm learning to manage.

2014 will be a better year for us all. And I'm sure the arguments between the wife and I will be much lesser but with the growing rascal it'll be too many. 

Am hoping I'll win most of the time .... :)

All the best for 2014. Best of heath and lots of happiness.

Luca's first rock concert ...

Surprisingly Luca sat through May Day's 3 hour concert shaking hands and tapping his feet.

I was really afraid the little fella would just lose his patience. He almost did when he commented to the mother asking why are they singing so many songs.

Nearing 1030 pm, he looked tired and sleepy. Biscuits and water worked for him and of course his favourite tunes too.

It was a great outing.

I asked if he wanted to watch May Day again and he said once is enough.

But he did say he will want to watch X-Japan.

Fabulous.

Uncertainty .. .

Yes. Life is uncertain. It is unpredictable no matter how much effort has been put in to plan a grand finale.

Don't get me wrong. Not going be talking about the economy but just things in general.

I've been wanting to sit by the pool in the weekends to enjoy the sun and read my book - one of the simplest enjoyments in life but every time I start making plans clearing the weekend of father / driver  duties and running errands for the family, the weather just seem to change the moment I slip into my swim shorts. (Yes, I don't wear trunks ever since my orange ones when missing)

I guess the Chinese saying 人算不如天算 sure makes sense.